My Fortieth Week as a Budding Author

How many great ideas have been hatched in pubs? I would postulate “bloody loads”. Pubs are entirely conducive to idea hatching as they contain a variety of liquids designed to free the mind of conventional thought and spur the thinker forward to the moment of genius. I believe that the first successful ascent of Everest was planned in a pub (ok googlers it was a hotel..but it had a bar). The Duck and Drake Inn harboured Guy Fawkes and his mates as they brainstormed ideas for obliterating the houses of parliament. And let’s not forget Heston Blumenthal who came up with the genius idea of charging the public a mortgage for a plateful of nothing in the Fat Duck at Bray.

Therefore it will not surprise you that I came up with a moment of genius in the Pack Horse , Louth over a pint of lager. Actually, the fact that I had a moment of genius will probably surprise you, but the pub and pint of lager will simply be business as usual. It was here that I sketched out a design for the cover of my book. This issue had been nagging at me for months as book covers are critical to their success on the shelf. There’s loads of marketing type speak out there to guide you, but simplistically, it’s got to be bold, fit the content and stand out from the crowd.

Seeing as I own every cycling book in the world, it is quite straightforward to work out what has been done before, and I’m fairly confident that my idea is new. The major problem is the picture. I need a photograph as the basis of the design that summarises the contents and inspires the reader to pick it up and have a little nose inside. It’s a crucial photograph and to be quite frank I don’t think I’m capable of taking it. So this week I shone a picture of a VW camper van onto the bottom of a cloud in the Mendips. Seb Rogers duly emerged from his professional photographer’s “Sebcave”, dived into the Sebmobile and drove up to the peaks clutching a poorly constructed book cover commission.

The idea also needed a rider who was riding a good looking bike and was wearing a cycling jersey of a certain design. They need to look good climbing and descending and be able to understand and action clear instructions from the photographer.

Almost everything in that previous paragraph ruled me out of the equation. I’d bought the jersey but it was too big for me. I won’t even go into the rest as it just hurts. So I recruited Andy to the cause as he lives down the road from our chosen site, fitted the jersey and has a proper road bike with gears and stuff that work.

The three of us met in the car park above Mam Tor. It was pissing it down, the skies were “John Major” grey and my car thermometer read somewhere around about 4 degrees. I took a quick nervous inventory of my clothes;

• cycling shorts
• cycling jersey
• lightweight waterproof
• jeans
• T-shirt

Seb had done this before and I noted that his inventory differed slightly from mine by including;-

• wooly hat
• gloves
• full set of waterproofs
• dingy and distress flares

At 10am conditions were getting close to biblical. Winds were trending towards gale force, thick rain fought hard with hail to batter the earth and all manner of cloud formations whizzed across the sky as they deposited stuff upon the ground. The three of us walked down Whinnats Pass for a quick reccie but Andy was beaten back by the hail. Seb and I picked the first location then dived back into the car before we were stoned to death.

I was already ready to go home and we hadn’t even started but Seb remained calm. He’d seen that the weather was moving and experience told him that we would get our shots. We sat it out for a while until the sun popped out from nowhere forcing Andy to kit up and get on his bike.

Seb had chosen the steepest point of Whinnats Pass for the first location. He climbed up the side of the pass whilst I removed coke cans and piles of hail from the road. Andy was ordered onto his bike and told to ride up the climb, again and again and again. At one point Seb said “Andy, can you go faster?”, to which Andy nodded and then rode down to me with a “FFS it’s 20%!”. But he got on with it, sprinting out each interval and adjusting the angle of his elbows on demand.

In fact I had a little chuckle to myself when Seb asked Andy to look a little more cheerful. It was blowing a gale as a headwind, lower than 4 degrees C and a 20% climb. Not really laughing material, especially when you come from the north where a smile begins and ends at the eyebrow.

The weather continued to oscillate between sunshine and armageddon. At one point the three of us were hunched down by the side of the road like garden gnomes in an attempt to hide from the hail.

Shortly afterwards I began to shiver and was curtly sent back to the car by the other two to get warm. A good decision as I’d been standing around doing not much in completely inadequate clothing. The day continued in a similar theme, sunshine punctuated by horror including a brief spell of thunder and lightening. Andy and Seb were unphased, they worked incredibly well together in order to get my shot and at around about 3pm I reckon they nailed it.

We’d moved location to Mam Nick, Seb had found a spot that met my criteria and also led into a gorgeous slab of Edale that would set the scene perfectly. Initially we were shooting in cloud until the sun broke through and lit the landscape ahead of us. Greens, yellows, browns, roads, skies and a rider looking right on the bike. I’ve not seen the full size picture yet, but Seb and I are confident that we’ve got it. We flipping better have, as I doubt I’ll be able to convince Andy to wear a silly jersey and ride hill intervals in the hail again!

Driving home I knew I’d made the right decision to use a professional. I’d have turned round and gone home in weather like that, but Seb’s experience told him that we’d get the shots and more so that the dramatic weather would serve to light the scene exactly to my needs. Next time though, like a teenager going to a party, I’ll ask the question “What will you be wearing today?”.

It’s not all been glamour and photoshoots though. The rest of the week has been a flurry of planning, planning and more planning. Sadly, none of this planning has been done in the pub. I’ve sweated over maps, bed and breakfast guides and cycle touring websites to come up with the ultimate Lands End to John O’Groats route.

This has been on the agenda right from the start of this project. I’ve ridden the route before and found it had “niggles”. Some bits were too urban, some bits a tad boring and a few epic riding opportunities were wasted. Therefore, I’ve designed a route that answers all three. It avoids towns, passes interesting landmarks and does some Scottish stuff that could almost be classed as wilderness.

I asked for a volunteer to ride it, but all eyes went to the floor and so it’s down to me to head off into the weather and do battle with the route.

Lands End/John O’Groats in October, only an idiot would attempt that? Yes, an idiot will attempt it as I set off on Monday, unsupported.

I’ve done a similar trip before in Ireland. Riding with minimal gear and using B&B’s instead of campsites. The approach has its risks and issues. There’s only room for one set of kit which requires a unique ability to wash and dry your clothes using shower gel and available towels. Evening wear has to be paired down to a t-shirt, boat shoes and tracky bottoms. There’s also the terrible gamble of which bike spares to take and what to leave behind, knowing that the discarded kit will become essential items as soon as you’re miles from a bike shop.

I like to travel as light as possible in order to enjoy the road as if on a Sunday run. The picture above shows the bike fully laden. There really isn’t room for much! If you’re interested I’ve uploaded my route here for a cursory view.

The observant among you will say “Dave, that’s not your usual bike” and they’d be right. The Van Nicholas blew a bottom bracket this week and has been retired to the stable lame. It’s a Campagnolo bottom bracket and they are made of gold encrusted with diamonds, so we’ll need to sell the house before it can be replaced. The trusted Omega has whinnied its way out from the hay and is champing at the bit to get ridden.

Different bike, changeable weather, new route, eccentric B&B owners and a lingering sinus infection. Hopefully you can understand my nerves at setting out. Think of me Monday morning as I board the train on my way to Penzance and even more on Tuesday as the ride begins. The blog may be quiet for a few weeks while I’m out there. I’d hate to inflict my misery upon you all. Wish me luck!

Dave

October 7th 2011

ps. How do these  photographers manage to stand at such obtuse angles?

WEEK 41+42 >>>>>>>